I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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