Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's blow job season.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
