I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize