I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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