Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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