why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
