I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
