I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
