No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
