I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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