the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
