I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
