Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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