Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
