first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
