Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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