Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
