: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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