so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
