this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
