oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Randomize
