i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
