I wish my penis had an off switch
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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