Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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