We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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