I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
bring money and cleavage
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
