How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
