I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
