I have demons in me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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