I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
