Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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