I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
