i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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