you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
