For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
