I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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