I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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