two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
