The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
