If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
