I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
last night I used snow as a chaser
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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