If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
