we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sext me about skeletons
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
