Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
