you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
