So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
