Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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