i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize