I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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