bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
