just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
