I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
