When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Cover your peen. We're going out.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
