just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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