mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
