Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
