Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Hippo gnu deer
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
