pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
